Shamefacedly conceived and written by Lord Garfield Hoadley of Newington Butts. Boldly edited by Arsebishop Clivey Dee of Antioch.

The scene is the public bar at The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel Road. Gaz enters and spots his old friend at a corner table

“Hello Clivey me old mate”
“Alright Gaz, what’s new pal?”
“Well, you won’t believe this me old china”
“Go on, I’m listening Gaz”
“I’ve only gone and got something wrong with me old chap”
“What? The little fella downstairs Gaz?”
“Yeah, you know, The highwayman”
“Got it in one son”
“What’s wrong with it then Gaz?”
“It’s gone a funny colour Clivey”
“Fuck me, that sounds a bit naughty Gaz”
“I’m worried mate, it could be something serious”
“Have you been to the doctor with it?”
“Well I could hardly go without it son. Anyway, I have nothing to do with doctors. I’m a firm believer in homoeopathy!”
“Stroll on! You never told me mate. I thought you had a girlfriend”
“Listen mate. I was wondering, seeing as you are me best pal…”
“If I’m thinkin’ what you’re thinkin’ then I don’t think so Gaz”
“Just have a little look at it, a quick glance Clivey”
“For fuck sake, what if the old woman finds out?”
“Just don’t talk in your sleep Clivey”
“Good advice that Gaz, I’ll keep the ball-gag in when I feel meself nodding off”

At this juncture, Gaz gets his penis out.

“Alright, that’s enough, put it away Gaz”
“What do you reckon mate?”
“Well, it’s a nice orange colour Gaz”
“I told you, didn’t I? I think it’s gone bad Clivey”
“Just out of interest. What you been doing since you retired?”
“For the last two weeks, I’ve been sitting indoors, eating Cheesy Wotsits and watching pornographic films mate”…
“Go and wash your hands Gaz, I’ll go and get you a pint”.

The End (see what we did there?)

Clivey and Gaz are currently appearing in: I Was A Teen-Aged Walrus Tamer at The Whitechapel Seaman’s Mission in Bow.