“If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the popcorn darlinks”


In this section, The Whitechapel Whelk’s film critic and sexually ambivalent women’s hockey buff, Lord Garfield of Hoadley, gives you 10 excellent reasons why you should avoid certain films like the plague. In particular, he strongly advises you to steer well clear of any film which is accompanied by the following description:

1 – Starring Bruce Willis
2 – Directed by Bruce Willis
3 – Screenplay by Bruce Willis
4 – Miss Jolie’s hair by Bruce “Teasie Weasie” Willis
5 – Hard-hitting documentary looking at the early life of Bruce Willis
6 – Musical with choreography and set design by Bruce Willis
7 – Baffling whodunnit, written and directed by Bruce Willis
8 – Catering by Bruce Willis’s Mobile Hot Dog & Sarsaparilla Co. Ltd.
9 – The Bruce Willis Story
10 – Enjoyable holiday romp starring Cliff Richard, with a special guest appearance by Bruce Willis.

Lord Garfield of Hoadley is showbiz editor of Popular Arc Welding Monthly