In this section, East London hardman actor and all-round blinding geezer, Ray Winstone, answers your queries on all things crochet-related .

Dear Ray

I’m thinking of making a keepsake box which I should like to decorate with some pretty crocheted flowers and would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer me on suitable designs, types of wool etc.

Thank you so much in anticipation for any advice you can give me on this one Ray.

Billy Beef

HM Prison Wansdworth


Dear Bill

Behave yourself you saucy mug! Don’t you come on my manor pulling strokes and taking liberties son! I’ve shit harder geezers than you, Tinkerbell. How you’ve got the front to sit there in your cold and damp 6′ x 12′ drum in The Windsor Hotel and ask a geezer of my standing in the East End to help and advise a diabolical little toerag like you is beyond me you cheeky slag! I swear to God if I wasn’t speaking at a needlepoint and embroidering seminar tonight I’d come round there on a visit and serve you up squire! Now go on, piss off out of it before I change me mind, you slippery, two bob arseole you!

PS. First things first Billy. Always ensure you buy a good quality yarn. I can’t stress the importance of this enough. As for the pattern itself, try a granny style stitch stripe, perhaps with a nice picot edging.

All the very best for the future

Kindest Regards


Ray Winstone is features editor of The Grievous Bodily Sewing & Embroidery Tribune