Do you want to know something? There are things going on in this world that you just couldn’t make up, and that convince me that we’re all going to hell in a handcart.

Take the American presidential race for example. There are shenanigans going on there that you couldn’t even begin to make up. No wonder the yanks are all going to hell in a handcart.

Take Donald Trump for example. Here we have a perfectly honourable and decent bloke; the type you’d like to have a pint with down the pub, and he’s being vilified by the leftie gutter press right, left, and centre. And for what exactly? As far as I can see, all the bloke’s done is to pay a couple of fillies a compliment or two and had a friendly feel of their growlers. I mean to say, we’ve all done it, right fellas? It’s just harmless fun and the girlies love it. It gives them a sense of worth in my opinion.

Then there’s the income tax thing. Why on earth would he want to reveal how much he’s paid the revenue? If the people who work for him get a sniff of how much he’s worth they’ll be demanding the minimum wage before you can say “slave labour”

In my view, if a decent bloke like Trump can’t feel up a few tarts and avoid paying a few quid to the tax boys then I’m afraid we’re all going to hell in a bloody handcart.

I wouldn’t mind but his opponent is a hysterical female with a voice like fingernails down a blackboard and a criminal disregard for the correct use of an email account.

In my view, she’s menopausal and would be far better employed staying at home, cooking and getting on with the ironing. Women love that sort of thing. It gives them a sense of self-worth and makes them feel useful.

Luckily, the yanks have come to their senses according to the latest polls and given Trump a decent lead. So let’s hope for a thumping GOP win next week and an early start on building that wall to keep the bloody wetbacks out. We could do with one of those over here if you want my opinion. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make up the amount of darkies and Poles I see every day on my way to work. If they had their way, they’d push us all to hell in a bloody handcart.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is the political correspondent for Popular Needlecraft and Capital Punishment Monthly