jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

To avoid awkward, religion-based wrangles such as the furore we had in a London school the other day over the girl who was banned from classes for wearing a face veil, why not equip teachers with a pair of those X-Ray Specs you used to see advertised on the back of comics?

In this way, the girl’s face would be visible to the teacher at all times, making any claims of problematic teacher/pupil interaction spurious.

The girls in question could also be supplied with lead lined bras and knickers to prevent male teachers having a butchers at their tits and growlers.

Neddy Womb-Disorder



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

In their smash hit single, Hold On For One More Day, the female vocalists of Wilson Philips say “Never let anyone walk all over you”

Well, I’m a Japanese geisha and a large part of my income comes from being paid to walk barefoot on the naked bodies of Tokyo businessmen.

Are these bitches trying to ruin me or what?

Doris Kendo-Nagasaki



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Talking of smash hit singles. In her smash hit single, “Get Into The Groove”, pop icon, Madonna, clearly says “Live out your fantasies here with me”

So you can imagine my annoyance when I whipped her across the arse with a riding crop in London’s Oxford Street last week dressed in a deep sea diver’s outfit and was then badly beaten up by her bodyguard before being turned over to the police.

Where’s the fairness in that then?

Toby Juggs-Carter



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Americans. If you’re thinking of rioting in the streets to protest against Donald Trump’s win yesterday, you can counteract the effects of being tear-gassed by the police by inhaling the contents of an aerosol can of laughing gas before taking to the streets.

Eileen Bastard