Starmus 2014
Professor Stephen Hawking pictured being attacked by The Starship, Enterprise, last week


Egghead scientist, Professor Stephen Hawking, has made the astonishing claim that Whitechapel Market will have ceased to exist within a billion years.

Speaking to the British Geographical Society, Hawking, 103, said: “Over the last 12 months, I have carried out extensive research using test tubes, on the effect the passing millennia will have on Whitechapel Market.

“My findings are, that most, if not all of the market, will have ceased to exist within one billion years at the most.

“Global warming will be the chief factor in its demise, with temperatures reaching such astronomical levels that not even the Indian and Pakistani stallholders will be able to withstand them, and they’re used to it.

“Although, having said that, they’ll probably survive a few hundred years longer than the whites who will die from sunburn when they go on holiday to Southend and places like that.

“However, parts of Camden Market in North West London may well be able to withstand the blistering 1000 degree-plus heat because it’s closer to The North Pole and also because some of it is inside in the shade.

“It is also next to Camden Lock, so when the temperatures become so extreme that no human being can withstand them, people can jump in the water to cool off.”

Hawking’s grim prophecy is reminiscent of the findings of fellow brainiac, Albert Einstein, who, in 1958, warned, that in the year 2017, The United States of America would be run by “a fat, racist fuck in a ginger wig”