Dear Mr Dump.

I have a large amount of equity tied up in my property and was thinking of releasing a percentage of it to carry out home improvements and also to pay for a foreign holiday for my wife and myself.

Could you tell me if this will affect any benefits I’m currently receiving from the government, such as Working Tax Credits or Income Support?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated, as my wife and I are unsure which route to take at present.

Kind Regards

Toby Dell
274 Whitechapel Rd
London E1


Dear Mr Dell

As a financial advisor of many years standing, I am regularly asked…hang on a minute, I need a clearout.

Sorry about that. I had a curry last night and it was a real ring-stinger. As I was saying, my advice to you at this juncture would be…Christ! Hang on again, I’m touching cloth here!

My apologies once again Mr Dell. I’m afraid I was breaking my neck for a tom tit.

My recommendation would be for you to…I don’t bloody believe this! Look can you give it an hour or two? Only I’ve got a real load on here and I think I might have one jammed in the old bomb bay.

Hell’s teeth! That last session was like tipping a sack of spuds into a tin bucket!

Now then where were we?…

Donald Dump is a senior member of The Chartered Institute of Shit Bags