The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero street in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

MINCING – I say Homophobe! There has been a most dramatic development old friend. A young woman, of a most agreeable aspect, arrived downstairs no more than half an hour ago. She was in a state of some distress and told me that her husband, a notorious opium-eater, has been missing these last two days and that she fears he may have been abducted or worse! Let us not tarry Homophobe for I fear dark forces are at work and that one day this most singular case will be known as, The Man With The Twisted Lip.

HOMOPHOBE – You rancid bottom-feeder, Mincing! Do you think for one moment that I cannot see through your flimsy subterfuge? You quite clearly intend to lead me to a secluded spot where you will no doubt drug me with laudanum. You will then slake your vile and perverse gay lust on my inert and helpless body until your foul jism runs free from my every orifice.  Now get out before I summon a constable and have you deported to The New World for kidnap, buggery and lascivious conduct unbecoming a medical practitioner.

MINCING – ??????

NEXT WEEK: Homophobe accuses Mincing of masturbating into his pocket while he is examining the body of a murder victim with Inspector Lestrade.