black-friday
American people celebrating Black Friday in the olden days

by our grievous bodily retail correspondent, Danny SoZ

 

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel accidentally attacked his own wife, inflicting a number of mainly superficial injuries, during a Black Friday tussle over a bargain price television set in Curry’s earlier today.

Mr Nigel Cory, a carpet-fitter, was unaware that his wife, Betty, was in the store, hunting down the self-same bargain when he launched his attack.

Following his release from a local police station where he was charged with assault occasioning actual bodily harm and affray, Cory told reporters: “I’d had my heart set on getting one of those TVs for weeks, so when I saw a woman making off with the last one I lost control and went for her from behind.

“I grabbed her round the neck and put her in a choke hold, hoping to make her let go of the telly. When she didn’t, I started punching her in the back of the head. She still wouldn’t go down, so I kneed her in the back which seemed to do the trick.

“It was only after I flipped her over and was kneeling astride her pinning her arms to the ground that I realised it was the wife.

“Fortunately, once she’d had her cuts and bruises attended to by a paramedic, we both saw the funny side.

Sadly, we didn’t get the television in the end because somebody walked off with it while I was still working her over.

“Never mind, there’s always the Boxing Day sales”

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