from our tomato sauce-immersed crime reporter, Danny SoZ
It was 2.00am on a bone cold East London night. A slow mist had descended on the streets around Sandeep Patel’s 24 Hour Convenience Store, fingering its way among the tiny shops and houses like gas.
Crime-busting duo, Bat Can and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were in their customary position on the top shelf of Mr Patel’s canned goods section.
They were tense and watchful, every molecule of their stainless steel bodies stretched to breaking point as they gazed out into the dimly-lit gloom.
Suddenly, a white Ford Transit van eased to a halt outside the bank opposite and three hooded men climbed out.
Two of them were carrying shotguns and stood guard facing the street, while the third man began drilling into the lock on the door of the bank.
Bat Can and Rob Tin realised at once that there wasn’t a second to lose and prepared to launch themselves into crime-busting action.
Unfortunately, due to the fact that they’re tins of beans, they were powerless to thwart the villains and had to watch helplessly as the men escaped with a large safe and a number of sacks stuffed with bank notes.
NEXT WEEK: The canned crime-fighters can do fuck-all about it as masked raiders cosh Mr Patel over the head and make off with all his Christmas booze from the cellar.