from our animals in deep shit correspondent, Danny ‘Attenborough’ SoZ
There was a stark warning for the people of Whitechapel last night after The World Wildlife Fund announced that the Tibetan lama could be extinct in the district within six weeks unless swift measures are taken to conserve the rare creature.
A WWF spokesman told us last night: “Without wishing to appear alarmist, we could well be witnessing the end of the Tibetan lama in Whitechapel in just weeks if people don’t take immediate steps to ensure its survival.
“We are asking for people in the borough to leave sacks of alfalfa or corn silage outside their front doors at night, as these are the llama’s favourites.
“They are also quite fond of milky porridge, so a small bowl or two left in back gardens would also be welcome. However, don’t give them Ready Brek as it gives them the shits”
People we spoke to were largely supportive of the move to preserve these shy creatures.
Mr Toby Dell, 54, a foundry worker, said: “I’m all in favour of it to be fair. I can’t remember the last time I saw a Tibetan llama around here so they’re definitely endangered”
However, some were not quite so receptive to the move. Mrs Mary Carter, a 27-year-old hairdresser and mother of two told us: “This is typical. We should look after our own llamas before we start catering for bloody foreign ones. I bet half of them are already on benefits. Send them all back to the jungle is what I say”
The WWF are convinced, that unless immediate action is taken, the Tibetan llama is doomed to share the same fate as the now extinct, ring-tailed lemur of Shoreditch and the Bethnal Green fat-arsed dolphin.
November 28, 2016 at 6:50 am
Odd, but I just saw two Tibetan llamas walk through by back yard!
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November 28, 2016 at 7:33 am
So THAT’s where they got to! Give ’em a bowl of porridge and send ’em back will you? NOT Ready Brek!
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November 28, 2016 at 8:16 am
I sure do miss those fat-arsed dolphins.
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November 28, 2016 at 4:42 pm
Don’t panic! Next time you’re in Bethnal Green just check out the rear view of some of the geezers in Roman Road. The effect will be pretty much the same.
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November 28, 2016 at 4:49 pm
Panic averted! I thank you.
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November 28, 2016 at 1:25 pm
Wish there was a way to make the rats and blood sucking worms in Washington DC become extinct.
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November 28, 2016 at 4:43 pm
Their extinction is assured mate…come to that, so is mine 😦
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November 28, 2016 at 3:55 pm
Yeah, like thanks for feeding the llamas….now our auto insurance is going to go through the roof. Ever seen the result of a llama/Mini-cooper collision? Trust me, it ain’t pretty.
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November 28, 2016 at 4:45 pm
Hey, I hear you mate. I ran over a lowland gorilla in South London once in a Chrysler Sunbeam. The gorilla won.
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November 28, 2016 at 6:43 pm
Will do, by overnight mail, though they may get a bit of a tummy ache from jet lag.
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November 28, 2016 at 9:44 pm
Save this, save that ! Bloody conservationists. SAVE. SAVE. SAVE.
What about those fire-breathing, winged serpents that my mate, Sherlock Homophobe, and I see hovering over our bed as we lie naked sharing a post-coital crack pipe.
You want to save them, too . . . eh ? eh ? GERROFF ! – Swat.
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December 11, 2016 at 4:41 pm
Is this one of them there disinformation sites you hear tell brought us Brexit and Donald Trump?
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December 11, 2016 at 5:25 pm
Absolutely not! Everything you read on The Whelk has been confirmed as accurate by none other than Russia Today. And if that’s not proof of our news gathering credentials then I don’t know what is! HRRRRRUMPH!
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December 11, 2016 at 4:41 pm
Oops, not disinformation, nowadays it’s called ‘Fake News’. Must be hip to the jive. 😉
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