“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”
From our summer breaks with Allah correspondent, Danny SoZ
Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from Whitechapel has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Trip Advisor website.
Mrs Mary Dell, a housewife and mother of nine, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30-mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.
Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:
“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what was described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out 6 weeks later.
“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.
“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”
When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year I don’t mind telling you!”