from our showbiz and dry rot correspondent, Danny SoZ
The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.
Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.
A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the impending death of our dear friend and financial godsend, Harrison Ford.
“He is absolutely one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”
Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later