Please forgive me for writing to you unbidden ma’am, but my situation is most urgent and is causing me much anguish and disaffection and I truly feel I have no one else to turn to at this hour of my trial.
My story is a long one ma’am but I shall endeavour to precis it thus. My childhood was most unhappy and I suffered great injustices at the hands of my tormentors down the years. Particularly at Lowood Girl’s School in Yorkshire where I spent my formative years after being orphaned as a child.
After qualifying as a governess, I was fortunate enough to gain employment at a large house in Yorkshire, where my employer, Mr John Rochester, was most kind to me, although his aspect was often of a most sullen and rather brooding mien.
I must confess here and now Miss Brontosaurus that I lost my heart to him and often dream of a life as mistress of the house and as a good and loving wife to this dear man.
Sadly, however, I have now learned that he is betrothed to another, a haughty and proud creature who is most disagreeable to me whenever our paths cross. I also suspect he has another claimant to his affections that he keeps captive in a small room at the top of the house, and who on occasion, visits my room where she tears my clothing and scatters my personal effects hither and thither.
I therefore implore you my dear Miss Brontosaurus to aid me in my plight and to advise me on how best to gain the love of the man I have come to hold in the highest regard and affection.
Yours most humbly
Miss Jane Eyre
My Dearest Miss Eyre
Have you tried ‘accidentally’ getting your dress caught in the door when entering his study so that it gets torn off, thereby affording him a cracking view of your tits and fanny?
Your most affectionate and humble servant my dear
by our torn bodice and Mr Darcy editor, Danny SoZ