The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a young dolphin with only weeks to live is going to be transported almost 5000 miles to swim with disgraced ex-FIFA president Sepp Blatter (pictured above) in a bid to ensure that the creature’s last days are as memorable as possible.
The 8-month-old dolphin, who is currently being cared for in a big tank at California Sea World, will be taken to France by sea and then overland to Blatter’s home in Switzerland, where the creature will spend half an hour holding on to Blatter’s swimming trunks as he swims round a specially-constructed tank in the corrupt soccer supremo’s back garden.
A spokesman for Sea World said last night: “When we found out that this youngster’s days were numbered we decided to do something to bring some joy into what remains of its life, and what better way to do that than to grant the little fellow the opportunity to swim with the conniving megalomaniac that is Sepp Blatter .
“After consulting with veterinary surgeons and marine experts, we decided to contact the unscrupulous ex-FIFA boss to see if he would be prepared to give up half an hour of his time to this poor animal.
“At first, he was reluctant to commit himself and told us to fuck off, but as soon as we mentioned a hidden payment with no questions asked, he instantly became far more amenable to the suggestion and told us he had a friend who would supply a tank in exchange for an under-the-counter sum to be handed over at a motorway service station of his choice.”
This heartwarming move comes just a month after a Sumatran gibbon at London Zoo made a miraculous recovery from a terminal disease and escaped from its enclosure after learning of plans for it to have pre-death, afternoon tea and cakes with former Department of Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith.