from our heavy roller and mediaeval torture editor, Danny SoZ

An extensive survey conducted among university students throughout The British Isles has found that 99% of those questioned would very much enjoy watching controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, being crushed by a spiked steamroller. The remaining 1% were largely in favour but couldn’t stand the sight of blood.

We spoke to a couple of students who took part in the survey last night. Marie Carter, 19, who is studying classics at The University of London, said: “I would absolutely love to see her crushed and mangled by a spiked steamroller. The thought of witnessing the look on that fascist cow’s face as the spikes bite deep into her flesh is too delicious for words to be honest with you”

Toby Dell, 20, studying medicine at Sussex University, was also enthusiastic: “I’d give an arm and a leg to watched that hatchet-faced bitch get her comeuppance beneath a spiked steamroller. I’d film it on my phone so that I could watch it to raise my spirits whenever I was feeling a bit down the dumps”

These recent findings are reminiscent of a similar survey carried out in May this year which showed that 100 per cent of Guardian readers would like nothing better than to drop a 1-ton weight onto Nigel Farage from a helicopter.