Season’s greetings everybody!
There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care over this one to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.
People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.
Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar. The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the creature finally succumbs to the repeated death-dealing series of blows really gets me in the festive mood.
Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes. The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.
I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get a last few bevvies in before setting off for home.
Some people like to use a meat thermometer for testing the bird, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.
Finally, after a decent skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.
For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the guests to go down the paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.
I then serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.
Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo, later on tonight.
Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the cold meat buffet on Boxing Day.
Finally, have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”
A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and happy New Year from me and all the family!
Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain