The world-renowned, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra will be reduced to a single member in 2017 following stringent government cuts to the arts budget, The Whitechapel Whelk has learned.

The sole orchestra member – who will be known as Royal Phil – will have a big drum harnessed to his chest, with a trumpet and a harmonica attached, and cymbals tied to the insides of both knees.

Royal Phil will embark on a world tour early in the new year when he will be performing in Berlin, Sydney, Paris and Madrid, before closing the tour with an appearance at The Royal Albert Hall in London.

His repertoire will include: The Rose of Tralee, Maybe it’s Because I’m A Londoner and the theme tune from Doctor Who.

There are also plans for a short series of free summer concerts which will be staged in the tunnel leading to the northbound platform at Whitechapel underground station.

All the loose change tossed into his cap will go directly to The Arts Council, with a small deduction for a cup of tea and half an ounce of Golden Virginia being taken daily.

smudge by, The Artful Dodger (nice one Dodge)