We at Whitechapel Veterinary Products are delighted to offer you this magnificent cat shielding device which will protect your beloved pet from a myriad of modern day perils; such as being kicked in frustration by an owner whose football team have just lost to a last-minute penalty, or from being run over in the driveway by a stressed mother, hurrying to get the kids to school.

Each Protect-A-Puss is lovingly handcrafted by Bangladeshi child slaves from the finest quality pig iron and comes with our unique guarantee, that, if you are not delighted with your purchase and you notify us using smoke signals with 10 minutes of receipt we will send your postage fee back within 15-years or thereabouts.

DISCLAIMER: The Protect-A-Puss cannot be held responsible if your cat suffocates while inside or takes it’s own life due to claustrophobic panic

DECLARATION: I’m a feeble-minded individual who will quite willingly pay an exorbitant fee for anything to do with cats. I strongly suspect that I won’t receive any goods after parting with my money and I do not have the savvy to seek legal redress. I have no history of violence nor do I possess a firearm.

To receive your Protect-A-Puss within 10 working years…ish, please bring £3,587 to The Blind Beggar public house, Whitechapel Road, Whitechapel, London, E1, and give it to the barmaid. She’ll see that one of us gets it over breakfast the next day.

Happy New Year to both our readers. I love you mum and dad!