stylishly written by Sir Garfield Hoadley. Tastefully colour co-ordinated and edited by Danny SoZ

The scene is a small, poorly lit room in central London. The two old friends are looking somewhat askance at the seedy aspect of their surroundings

“I hate these so-called bijou residences, don’t you Gaz?”
“Oh yeah, definitely bruv. I mean to say, they are so uninspiring Clivey”
“You would think, they’d tart the place up a bit Gaz”
“You’re not wrong mate, a coffee table with a few copies of Country Life would be nice”
“And a nice Persian rug, to enhance the decor Gaz. It’d look blinding over there in the corner”
“Very fair Clivey, very fair my son. You ain’t askin’ for much pal”
“I’ve always been very undemanding Gaz”
“Some soundproofed, double glazed patio doors opening into the yard, would not go amiss either would they mate?”
“That’s not unreasonable Gaz,”
“It would be nice too if they put a Lalique crystal shade on that light fitting?”
“They don’t think like you and me Gaz”
“Too busy worrying about costs Clivey”
“You’ve hit the nail right on the head there son”
“Shall I ask what time dinner is served?”
“Go on Gaz, won’t do any harm, will it”
“Do you think we will get bail, Clivey”
“At West End Central Police Station mate? No chance bruv”…

Clivey & Gaz are now appearing in “I Was A Teenaged Fascist Bastard” at The York Hall, Bethnal Green