raffafrom our dearly departed religious extremists correspondent, Danny SoZ

Ex-Iranian president, Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, or “Raffa” as he was known down at the Tehran Working Men’s Club, died yesterday after a long battle against chilblains.

He was a moderating influence in Iranian politics and a fine billiards player, who once amassed a magnificent break of 1501 in the 1957 world championship at Bradford Civic Centre against the great John Pulman, eventually losing the match by 78 frames to 77 in a pulsating, final frame finale.

He was also an all-star cook whose recipe for Irish Stew has been copied by culinary greats the world over, and whose coconut macaroons were described by baking doyen, Mary Berry, as “top fucking drawer!”

He leaves 12 wives and 245 children who will miss his cheery, never-say-die attitude and his late-night homilies on destroying the infidel and smashing The Great Satan.

We will not see his like again. RIP Raffa old son and all the very best for the future.