Whitechapel boating lake pictured during a Thunderbastard Storm in the olden days


A killer storm of previously undreamed-of intensity is set to bring death and destruction to the whole of The British Isles tomorrow.

Weathermen have nicknamed the deep depression: TheThunderBastardBoneCrusherVirginRaperDeathStorm and it’s expected to kill pretty much everybody by teatime tomorrow.

Reactions across the country have been varied. One man we spoke to from Drumchapel in Glasgow was fairly phlegmatic when we warned him of the impending Thunderbastard. “Irn” Stephen Hamilton, 97, told us: “A wee killer storm ye say? In that case ah’ll be wearing mah long shorts alang wi’ a thermal tam ‘o shanter when ah heid aff tae the pub for a nicht oan the big boay’s ginger so ah wull”

At the opposite end of the country the reaction was more cautious. Danny “The Whitechapel Wuss” SoZ, 21, from East London, told The Whelk. “Blimey! A bloody killer storm you say? I’m going straight home to knock the old woman about before spending a few days hiding in the basement with a few bottles of grog.”

Bungling, veteran weatherman, Michael Fish, 142, told us last night: “You may have heard there’s a thunderbastard death storm on the way. Well don’t worry. There isn’t.”