Noah's Ark, Italianate mural painting, mid 16th century studiolo
Some people preparing for a BitchQueen flood in the olden days


from our meteorological and apocalyptic, death-dealing floods correspondent, Danny SoZ


Following yesterday’s, ThunderBastard Bonecrusher Virgin Raper Death Storm, the Met Office have issued an amber warning in anticipation of possible killer floods across the entire country.

Weathermen have nicknamed these death floods, BitchQueen BallBreaker SkullSmasher BabyCrusher Armageddon Floods and they are expected to hit around 16.00pm this afternoon, bringing widespread destruction and death to around three-quarters of the population by teatime tonight.

Reactions across the country have been varied. One man we spoke to from Drumchapel in Glasgow was fairly phlegmatic when we warned him of the impending BitchQueen. “Iron” Stephen Hamilton, 97, told us: “A wee death flood ye say? In that case ah’ll be wearing mah long shorts, alang wi’ a thermal tam ‘o shanter and mah Jockie Wilson swimmers when ah heid aff tae the pub for a nicht oan the big boay’s ginger so ah wull”

At the opposite end of the country, the reaction was more cautious. Danny “The Whitechapel Wuss” Soz, 21, from East London, told The Whelk. “Blimey! A bloody killer flood you say? I’m going straight home to knock the old woman about before spending a few days hiding in the attic with some bottles of grog.”

Bungling, veteran weatherman, Michael Fish, 142, told us last night: “You may have heard there’s a BitchQueen death flood on the way. Well don’t worry. There isn’t.”