from our United States and neo-fascist showbiz correspondent, Danny SoZ

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned, that owing to a marked reluctance on the part of established stars to perform at his inauguration, President-elect, Donald Trump, will sing a number of his favourite show tunes after being sworn in as President on January 20th.

It is believed that Trump wants to hit back at the myriad of stars who have refused to perform at Friday’s ceremony due to their abhorrence of his right-wing views.

A spokesman for The Trump Organisation told us that the new president will give unaccompanied renditions of ‘My Yiddishe Mama’, ‘Old Man River’, ‘Whip Crack Away’ and ‘There Aint Nothing Like A Dame’.

In a rousing finale, he will then be joined on stage by The Choir of The Ku Klux Klan, with Nigel Farage, playing the Jew’s harp, and Marine Le Pen, on the comb and paper, in a stirring rendition of, ‘There’s A Place For Us’, from the smash hit musical, West Side Story.

No previous president has ever performed solo at his own inauguration ceremony before, although Richard Nixon did give a full-throated rendition of, ‘Show Me The Way To Go Home’ after announcing at a press conference that he was stepping down from office in the face of almost certain impeachment in 1974.