eggy-soldiers
Rub-A-Dub Grub: Some eggy soldiers pictured trying to look all innocent earlier

 

from our health and powerful cumblast correspondent, Danny SoZ

A report issued by the Department of Health has made the shock claim that retired postmen – and in some cases, women too – who eat small slices of toast, dipped in the yolk of a soft-boiled egg, are 80 percent more likely to indulge in frequent masturbation than other elderly ex-public sector workers.

The report goes on to state that eating these so-called, eggy soldiers, stimulate the part of the brain that controls sexual desire, resulting in men feeling an urgent need to clear the tubes at regular intervals throughout the day.

The Whitechapel Whelk interviewed one retired postman, Mr Toby Dell, 85, from Cripplegate in East London, who told us: “It’s absolutely true is this. Within 10 minutes of finishing a few eggy soldiers the desire to blow my custard becomes almost unbearable. The wife’s stopped making them for me now after I showed her up in Tescos by blasting a wad of steaming spadge all over the cauliflowers in the fruit and veg section.”

These latest findings come just 3 days after The Department of Trade and Industry released a report claiming that women who eat cheese triangles during their lunch break are 25 times more likely to enjoy extreme bondage, necrophilia, and holidays abroad.

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