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Artist’s impression of what Whitechapel will look like after the killer mild spell

 

The whole of Great Britain was battening down the hatches last night as a deadly spell of slightly more pleasant weather was forecast to sweep across the entire country over the next few days bringing with it marginally milder conditions; with the mercury set to rise by at least 2 degrees in the worst hit areas.

The Met Office have issued a code red warning, signifying impending death for anyone caught in the destructive path of the lethal meteorological leviathan.

TheKillerBastardFleshEatingPlagueInfestedCertainDeathDealing slightly milder spell is expected to hit southern Britain by noon today before moving north. It is expected that all of human life will have been wiped from the face of Britain by dinner time tomorrow, with only a few people in The Shetland Islands and one or two in Milton Keynes left alive – and even they will be pretty fucked.

Bungling weatherman, Michael Fish said last night: “You may have heard that there’s a KillerBastard mild spell on the way. Well, don’t worry. There isn’t.”

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