Papa don’t preach: Madonna wants to keep those customers.


by our popular culture and thick parsley sauce editor, Danny SoZ

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that pop icon, Madonna, has applied to adopt 7 customers she spotted in a pie and mash eaterie in Commercial Road, Whitechapel last week.

The 87-year-old Material Girl star has filed an application to adopt the customers – believed to be 3 men and 4 women – with Tower Hamlets borough council, and if successful, plans to move them into her plush home in neighbouring Bromley-By-Bow.

‘Madge’ told The Whelk: “When I spotted them sitting down to their pie and mash suppers my heart almost broke in two. I knew at once that I wanted to adopt them and to give them a better life where they can have the finest chow money can buy instead of pie and mash”

One of the customers, Mrs Tracy Dell, 45, was delighted at the news that Madonna wanted to adopt her: “This is wonderful news” she told us “Just imagine, we’ll have a brilliant lifestyle, top grub, and we’ll be able to get into Madonna concerts for free instead of having to apply online from Ticketmaster”

Her husband, Toby, 46, however, was a little more guarded in his response to the news: “I don’t mind the luxurious lifestyle so much, but if Madonna thinks I’m going to stop hoovering up the pie and mash and start eating fancy scoff like foi gras and sole au gratin she’s got another think coming I’m afraid”

If Madonna’s application is successful it will mirror the celebrity adoption of 5 customers who were spotted queuing at a jellied eel and whelk stall in East Ham by Motown diva, Diana Ross, in 1987.