Relaxing: A Whitechapel youngster pictured enjoying a pipe of rough shag last night


From our education and emphysema correspondent, Danny SoZ

Following the recent highly successful experiment conducted by a Derbyshire primary school, which revealed that children who wore slippers to school were outperforming their shoe-wearing peers, The London Borough of Tower Hamlets have announced, that from September this year, all primary school children in Whitechapel will be given a smoking jacket, a briar pipe and 5 ounces of tobacco at the start of the Autumn term in the hope that the convivial atmosphere produced by relaxing with a pipe of shag before lessons will be beneficial to learning.

A council spokesperson told us last night: “If this initiative is successful in Whitechapel we will introduce it throughout the borough next year.

“We also plan to introduce comfortable leather reclining chairs to classrooms to afford them a relaxed gentleman’s club style atmosphere.

“It is hoped that by 2020 all of the borough’s youngsters will be able to enjoy a relaxing pipe or two with their peers before starting the school day.”

When questioned, he remained fairly tight-lipped about recent rumours that the government were going to install licenced bars in school dining halls so that youngsters could unwind before and after afternoon lessons; merely saying that it was, “something that we may well look at in the future”