In an emotional interview with The Whitechapel Whelk, Donald Trump administration senior advisor, Kellyanne Conway, has reached out to the American people and called for a minute’s silence at noon today to remember the 570 Christians who were put to death by crazed radicalised Islamists at the infamous and bloody “Muslim-Led Slaughter At Football Pitch Gulch” in Tuscon, Arizona on this day in 2016.
A visibly upset Conway told us: “I will never forget that terrible day as long as I live.
“When news broke that over 1 thousand murderous and radicalised Iranian immigrants had attacked and killed 570 God-fearing Christians using scimitars, baseball bats and clubs with nails in, while those poor people were in attendance at a bible reading at Football Pitch Gulch, I felt sick at heart and knew immediately that only a Steve Bannon presidency – with Donald Trump as his income tax advisor – could save America from the clutches of the Godless savages, and now, thanks to the good Lord and the common sense of 99.3 percent of American voters we have that in place.
“I am therefore calling for a minute’s silence across America today to remember our fallen Christian brothers and sisters and to condemn and hate on the Muslim barbarians who brutally took their lives in the name of the false prophet, Allah
When we asked for fact-based evidence that the event actually took place as she claims, Conway became testy and snapped, “Of course it took place. It’s just that it was so horrendous that nobody wanted to report it or even talk about it
“I mean to say, if a bunch of limeys had been butchered by bloodthirsty heathens you’d keep it under wraps too, right?”
Ms Conway has asked that her entire fee for this interview is put into her offshore bank account as soon as possible, “no questions asked”
February 4, 2017 at 9:01 am
Brilliant π x
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February 4, 2017 at 9:03 am
Thanks Touch. Spot on as ever π x
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February 4, 2017 at 9:36 am
After her ‘Bowling Green’ delivery it’s clear she missed her calling, as a cricket player. Leg Spinner.
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February 4, 2017 at 10:45 am
I’m rather stumped for a reply. I fear I may be on a bit of a sticky wicket. I mean to say, there are boundaries you know!
HOWZAT!
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February 4, 2017 at 11:12 am
Thatz good. Bloody good.
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February 4, 2017 at 1:37 pm
Thanks mate. These characters are almost doing my job for me! π
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February 4, 2017 at 9:43 am
Usually I’m not one to comment on appearances, but she does have a hatchet face.
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February 4, 2017 at 10:47 am
Yes. She has a face that only a mother could love; and, even then, it would have to be after she’d had a few very strong drinks. π
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February 4, 2017 at 1:03 pm
Nicely done. You do know that you’ll be referenced as a source on Fox News later this evening.
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February 4, 2017 at 1:36 pm
Thanks Dan, and if that does turn out to be the case, I shall be asking for a fee, which I will scrupulously declare in next year’s tax return π
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February 5, 2017 at 7:28 am
This. Is. Brilliant.
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February 5, 2017 at 7:39 am
Thanks Brian. You’re too kind my friend.
Listen, can you lend me the price of a few beers until payday? π
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February 12, 2017 at 3:47 pm
Hilarious! I predict that kellyanne Conway, will at some point in the near future, come out and ask us all to pray for Donald Trump as he seeks to do the Lord’s work by throwing the money changers out of Wall Street and into his cabinet.
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