From our health and flatulence correspondent, Danny SoZ
A recent in-depth investigation into the claim made by the brewers of Guinness that it is beneficial to health has revealed that this is not actually the case, and that it can in actual fact have a detrimental effect, particularly when large quantities are imbibed.
Guinness first made the claim that their product had health-enhancing properties in the 1950s when TV adverts and billboards loudly proclaimed: “Guinness is good for you.”
In newspapers and magazines, old people were often portrayed pouring themselves a glass of the dark liquid accompanied by a caption declaring, “My goodness! My Guinness!” They would then be shown performing highly improbable feats of strength such as lifting iron girders with one hand or breaking the back of the net with a long-range shot on goal during a football match.
The Guinness Report is bound to dismay millions of Irish people, and also the elderly, who quaff huge quantities of the stuff on an almost daily basis while labouring under the mistaken belief that they are prolonging their lives and fortifying their blood.
A spokesperson for the investigation told a Whitechapel Whelk reporter last night: “We can categorically state that drinking large quantities of Guinness is not actually good for you at all.
“Over the last 60 years, we have conducted rigorous tests on two sample groups. The first group were asked to drink 12 pints of Guinness a day, while the second were told to stay away from it altogether.
“Our findings show that the second group showed little or no ill effects from their abstinence, while the first group reported a slow descent into alcoholism, accompanied by chronic liver failure, loss of employment and spells of imprisonment.
“There was also an increase in rowdy behaviour in public places, loss of bladder and bowel control, vagrancy, marriage break-up, and dark runny stools”
A spokesman for Guinness strongly refuted the report’s findings last night. “Drinking Guinness does not cause any of the problems that this investigation has highlighted. However, it does make your shit turn black, I’ll give you that much”