From our health and flatulence correspondent, Danny SoZ
A recent in-depth investigation into the claim made by the brewers of Guinness that it is beneficial to health has revealed that this is not actually the case, and that it can in actual fact have a detrimental effect, particularly when large quantities are imbibed.
Guinness first made the claim that their product had health-enhancing properties in the 1950s when TV adverts and billboards loudly proclaimed: “Guinness is good for you.”
In newspapers and magazines, old people were often portrayed pouring themselves a glass of the dark liquid accompanied by a caption declaring, “My goodness! My Guinness!” They would then be shown performing highly improbable feats of strength such as lifting iron girders with one hand or breaking the back of the net with a long-range shot on goal during a football match.
The Guinness Report is bound to dismay millions of Irish people, and also the elderly, who quaff huge quantities of the stuff on an almost daily basis while labouring under the mistaken belief that they are prolonging their lives and fortifying their blood.
A spokesperson for the investigation told a Whitechapel Whelk reporter last night: “We can categorically state that drinking large quantities of Guinness is not actually good for you at all.
“Over the last 60 years, we have conducted rigorous tests on two sample groups. The first group were asked to drink 12 pints of Guinness a day, while the second were told to stay away from it altogether.
“Our findings show that the second group showed little or no ill effects from their abstinence, while the first group reported a slow descent into alcoholism, accompanied by chronic liver failure, loss of employment and spells of imprisonment.
“There was also an increase in rowdy behaviour in public places, loss of bladder and bowel control, vagrancy, marriage break-up, and dark runny stools”
A spokesman for Guinness strongly refuted the report’s findings last night. “Drinking Guinness does not cause any of the problems that this investigation has highlighted. However, it does make your shit turn black, I’ll give you that much”
February 8, 2017 at 6:08 am
This is one of those medical warnings that I’m going to ignore.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 6:32 am
I always had you down as a Castlemaine XXXX type of gal, Peggy 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 8:55 am
So you didn’t know I put a six pack of Guinness in a sink in Galway and ran cold water over it?
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:13 pm
No, I was completely unaware of the event you describe Peggy. I’m not in the least bit surprised mind!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 9:04 pm
Probably just as well you weren’t there as we mightn’t have shared.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:08 am
So there are still some benefits, then.
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:11 am
Don’t mention benefits. You’ll upset Mrs Bastard. He was turned down for child tax credit yesterday, despite having over 200 kids, and that’s just in this street alone! 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:12 am
Bleedin’ government, not supporting this country’s most needy. I blame Trump.
LikeLiked by 2 people
February 8, 2017 at 7:11 pm
A thousand apologies for my tardy response Lucy. For some inexplicable reason, your comment wasn’t flagged up on the notifications tab-type thing. I blame Trump!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:58 pm
You are forgiven, of course. I assumed Mrs Bastard had pawned your laptop or something. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 9:43 am
My goodness, my liver!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 12:48 pm
Heresy ! !!!
LikeLike
February 8, 2017 at 7:15 pm
Not at all! It’s totally true!…Oh, I do beg your pardon. I thought you said “Hearsay” 😀
LikeLike
February 8, 2017 at 3:31 pm
Shocking, really! My nanny-in-law drank this and she lived to be 101. I’ll drink to that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:03 pm
I’m shocked at how many of you guys over there drink the stuff to be honest Mid. I thought it was just my nan and the Irish. Anyways, I’ll raise a glass of “The black stuff” to your nanny-in-law too. Any excuse. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 9, 2017 at 2:33 am
Thank you! May she rest in peace. Cheers!
LikeLike
February 8, 2017 at 6:14 pm
Who vetted this so called report?
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 8, 2017 at 7:04 pm
Dan, if I told you that, I’d have to set a so-called grizzly bear on you 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 9, 2017 at 9:01 am
Fake news. BAD!
LikeLiked by 1 person
February 9, 2017 at 9:22 am
Thank you for your so-called comment, Deaders.
I shall have it fact-checked and condemned as an attempt to depose me at once.
LikeLike
February 9, 2017 at 9:24 am
Would that be alternative fact-checked?
LikeLike
February 9, 2017 at 9:29 am
Yes and it will be tremendous. I can’t tell you how tremendous because it’s not possible. Anyone who can’t see how tremendous the alternate fact-checking will be is a complete loser. Sad!
LikeLike
February 9, 2017 at 9:32 am
Oh very well then. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your sea of love.
LikeLiked by 1 person