With fuel prices seemingly spiralling out of control and with growing numbers of the elderly struggling to meet the cost of heating their homes, the Home Office have issued guidelines on methods for Britain’s growing population of pensioners to cheaply and effectively guard against the ravages of hypothermia this winter.
Among the suggestions put forward – which include more effective home insulation and wearing warmer clothing – is the proposal that Britain’s senior citizens learn and practice the art of tantric sex, in which couples make love energetically for long periods – sometimes for days – with only short breaks to eat and go to the toilet.
A Home Office spokesman said last night: “This government are fully committed to giving every possible assistance to our elderly people, and if this means advising them to go at it like knives in a variety of unlikely positions then so be it.
“I mean to say, Sting has been doing it for years and you don’t hear him complaining of feeling cold during the winter months or of him having his electric cut off in the middle of January for not paying his bill do you?”
However, reaction among the elderly themselves was a little mixed when a Whitechapel Whelk reporter went out and about in the London Borough Of Tower Hamlets last night.
Mr Toby Dell, 97, from Bow, said, “I’m all for it to be honest with you. I can’t wait to get my heating bills down by giving the missus a bloody good scuttling over the ironing board for hours on end.
“I’ve always been a Labour supporter in the past, but on this occasion, I have to take my hat off to the Tories. It’s high time they did something for the pensioners of this country, because let’s be honest, we haven’t got much else to do apart from watching telly or going down the pub for a game of dominoes and a pint”
However, Mrs Mary Tracy, 89, from Shoreditch, expressed reservations at the proposal: “I’m not at all sure about this dear” she told us. “I’ve not had relations with my Albert since the night Lady Di got married and to be honest we only did that as a mark of respect to the royal couple.
“Not only that but I’m not sure he’s up to it these days. Suppose he has one of his falls when he’s giving me the good news on top of the sideboard? And then there’s the cat. Who’s going to feed poor Toby while we’re going at it full pelt for days on end. No, I think I’ll just wrap up warm again like I always do dear”
This proposal, if accepted by both houses of parliament, will be the most radical energy- saving move since Enoch Powell urged Britain’s poor to set fire to a West Indian immigrant to ward off the chill during The Big Freeze of 1962/63.