With fuel prices seemingly spiralling out of control and with growing numbers of the elderly struggling to meet the cost of heating their homes, the Home Office have issued guidelines on methods for Britain’s growing population of pensioners to cheaply and effectively guard against the ravages of hypothermia this winter.
Among the suggestions put forward – which include more effective home insulation and wearing warmer clothing – is the proposal that Britain’s senior citizens learn and practice the art of tantric sex, in which couples make love energetically for long periods – sometimes for days – with only short breaks to eat and go to the toilet.
A Home Office spokesman said last night: “This government are fully committed to giving every possible assistance to our elderly people, and if this means advising them to go at it like knives in a variety of unlikely positions then so be it.
“I mean to say, Sting has been doing it for years and you don’t hear him complaining of feeling cold during the winter months or of him having his electric cut off in the middle of January for not paying his bill do you?”
However, reaction among the elderly themselves was a little mixed when a Whitechapel Whelk reporter went out and about in the London Borough Of Tower Hamlets last night.
Mr Toby Dell, 97, from Bow, said, “I’m all for it to be honest with you. I can’t wait to get my heating bills down by giving the missus a bloody good scuttling over the ironing board for hours on end.
“I’ve always been a Labour supporter in the past, but on this occasion, I have to take my hat off to the Tories. It’s high time they did something for the pensioners of this country, because let’s be honest, we haven’t got much else to do apart from watching telly or going down the pub for a game of dominoes and a pint”
However, Mrs Mary Tracy, 89, from Shoreditch, expressed reservations at the proposal: “I’m not at all sure about this dear” she told us. “I’ve not had relations with my Albert since the night Lady Di got married and to be honest we only did that as a mark of respect to the royal couple.
“Not only that but I’m not sure he’s up to it these days. Suppose he has one of his falls when he’s giving me the good news on top of the sideboard? And then there’s the cat. Who’s going to feed poor Toby while we’re going at it full pelt for days on end. No, I think I’ll just wrap up warm again like I always do dear”
This proposal, if accepted by both houses of parliament, will be the most radical energy- saving move since Enoch Powell urged Britain’s poor to set fire to a West Indian immigrant to ward off the chill during The Big Freeze of 1962/63.
February 9, 2017 at 10:50 am
‘Scuttling’ 😀
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February 9, 2017 at 12:36 pm
Steady on! There’s quite enough profanity in the world without you coming in here with your industrial language! Why I outta!
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February 9, 2017 at 1:30 pm
Practice ? At that age who needs practice ? Unless you’ve forgotten…
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February 9, 2017 at 3:51 pm
You made me check my spelling of the verb, ‘practise’ just now mate.
Luckily, I was right 😀
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February 10, 2017 at 1:41 am
Oh their dear hearts!
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February 10, 2017 at 7:41 am
Look on the bright side, Mid. It’ll be boom time for bad back specialists! 😀
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February 10, 2017 at 3:34 pm
Or bed shoppes!
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February 10, 2017 at 3:39 pm
I can’t talk to you right now, Mid. I just got some bad news from my doctor.
He said to me “You only got 2 weeks to live my friend”
I said, “What? I demand a second opinion”
He said, “Ok, you’re ugly too”
😦
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February 12, 2017 at 3:36 pm
Third opinion?
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February 12, 2017 at 7:21 pm
I daren’t ask! 😦
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February 10, 2017 at 11:17 pm
Am Eng – practice. Brit Eng practise. Another example honor, honour.
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February 11, 2017 at 3:33 am
While I agree there are many anomalies in the Brit/Am English spelling field, that is not the case here.”To Practise”is a verb, while “practice” is a noun in both lingos.
This is from a grammar site:
Practise
This is the verb ‘to practise’ and also the adjective from that verb (bullet 4 below).
Examples:
I practise the piano.
You are practising golf.
The doctor has been practising for 10 years.
He is a practised man.
Practice
This is the noun ‘the practice’ (as in ‘piano practice’ and ‘a doctor’s practice’).
Examples:
I have done my football practice.
Without enough practice, she would not get better at English.
Practice makes perfect.
She visits her local doctor’s practice.
So there you have it 🙂
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February 14, 2017 at 5:15 am
I don’t think the cat should be allowed to watch such goings on.
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February 14, 2017 at 6:57 am
You’re right of course. I knew I should have grabbed that pussy and put it in the other room 😦
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June 6, 2017 at 4:04 pm
He said to me “You only got 2 weeks to live my friend”
I said, “What?
Examples:
I practise the piano.
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June 6, 2017 at 5:08 pm
Haha! I like it. Are you here all week? 😀
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June 21, 2017 at 12:00 pm
Examples:
I practise the piano.
Examples:
I have done my football practice.
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June 21, 2017 at 12:38 pm
Sounds like you’ve had a pretty full and eventful day then champ. What’s next? Operating a ventriloquist’s dummy while drinking a glass of water?
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June 27, 2017 at 10:47 am
Love the article, but the comments are even better!! 😀
Have a great day – Robert.
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June 27, 2017 at 1:44 pm
We pride ourselves on our comments mate. Our content, slightly less so. 🙂
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