Under the new proposal, tobacco companies will be required by law to fit each packet with a powerful boxing glove on a spring which will be triggered as soon as the smoker raises the lid. They will then be punched in the face with considerable force as a recorded message shouts the warning “Oi smoker! NO!”
Trials have already been carried out in parts of London and initial results seem to be encouraging.
Toby Dell, 37, a furniture porter from Spitalfields and a 60 a day smoker, was one of those who underwent the trial and reported a subsequent dramatic fall in his habit.
“It’s been absolutely amazing,” he told reporters “I’ve gone from 60 odd gaspers a day down to 5 or 6 and it’s all down to these new packets. I mean to say, once you’ve been knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring the craving simply disappears.
“Then, of course, there’s all the time you spend in the non-smoking environment of a hospital having stitches put in your face or undergoing brain scans.
“No, I’m all for it to be honest, and the sooner more of Britain’s smokers are lying stretched out in the street suffering from concussion the better, as far as I’m concerned”.
A Department Of Health spokesperson told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “Of course it’s very early days yet, but if the results of this initiative are encouraging we intend to press on and implement a follow-up plan which will see smokers confronted outside shops and supermarkets by specially trained government heavies who will attack them with knives”
This latest announcement comes just days after Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, outlined a proposal to have drinkers shot by British army snipers as they come out of the pub or an off-licence.