Mr Trump pictured talking bigly about uranium and other matters at Wednesday’s press briefing


It is being reported that over 2 thousand Americans curled up and died from sheer embarrassment during President Donald Trump’s catastrophic, rambling press conference on Wednesday.

The United States Department of Health has revealed that ambulance callouts reached an unprecedented high during Trump’s bug-eyed rant at the media, while funeral homes were snowed under with phone calls from distraught relatives whose loved ones had simply lost the will to live and had died from unbridled shame as the president tried to deny any Russian involvement in last June’s election, uttered the word “bigly” twice, and falsely claimed to have had the biggest (biggliest?) electoral college win since Ronald Regan.

One 32-year-old man from Jacksonville in Florida took matters into his own hands and threw himself to his death from an upstairs window after hearing Trump say “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things. But nobody talks about that.”

In Britain, a number of American ex-pats were admitted to hospital suffering from acute embarrassment-related problems, including; hypertension, hot flushes, and stiff necks caused by walking around looking down at their shoes.