A northerner predicting inclement weather earlier today


Weathermen are advising people in the north of England to take their front doors off the latch as high winds from Storm Doris hit the region later on today, despite the fact that it will prevent neighbours and family members from blithely marching into each other’s properties unannounced and completely uninvited.

A spokesman for The Met Office said last night: “With winds set to reach 80 miles per hour across the northern half of Britain, carrying a high risk of structural damage, we are urging people in the affected areas to close and lock their front doors to prevent storm debris, such as tree branches, discarded soiled nappies and empty beer cans being blown in.

“People in the north should keep updated on weather bulletins throughout the day so that they will know when it’s safe to once again enable all and sundry to come trooping into their houses at all hours without so much as a by-your-leave.”

The south of the country will escape the worst of the storm but people in the London area are still being advised to use public transport where possible which could lead to a rise in surly, standoffish behaviour at bus stops and an increase in people studiously avoiding eye contact on buses, trains and tube services throughout the day.