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The scene is a small study at the top of 221B Hetero  Street in the Whitechapel district of East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot, Sherlock Homophobe, is seated in the corner of the room, smoking opium and playing a refrain on a Stradivarius violin. Suddenly the door is flung open as Homophobe’s loyal companion, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement.

MINCING – I say, Homophobe, I have just received a most singular communication in the form of a telegram. It is from your old adversary and that most heinous of fiends, Professor Moriarty. He is desirous of a meeting with you this very Friday and indicates that The Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland should be the place of rendezvous. Let us make haste old friend, for I fear that great evil is afoot and that time itself is of the essence!

HOMOPHOBE – You infernal botty man, Mincing! Do you not think that I can’t see through your most flimsy subterfuge? It is absolutely clear that you are in league with the depraved arse bandit that is Moriarty and that you plan to lure me to the very edge of the treacherous falls before knocking me unconscious with a life preserver. You will both then fall upon my helpless body, repeatedly plunging your tumescent members into my person until your accursed bum boy’s spadge runs copiously from my every orifice. Now get out before I call Inspector Lestrade and have you deported to The New World for kidnap, assault, and conspiring to commit aggravated buggery!

MINCING – !!!!!!

For more anti-gay adventures with the towering bigot,  follow Homophobe’s exploits in this month’s edition of The London Illustrated Knob Jockey. Now only 3 farthings!

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