queen
A right royal piss artist. The Queen pictured addressing Parliament yesterday afternoon

From our royal skinful correspondent, Danny SoZ

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Her Majesty The Queen is now drinking 2 bottles of Jack Daniels whisky a day and is usually “totally wasted by lunchtime” as a direct result of having to preside over the forthcoming state visit by United States President, Donald Trump, in June.

The insider told us: “Her Majesty has always been an early riser who gets up at around 6.00am and goes for an early morning ride before breakfast.

“However, since she found out that Mr Trump is coming on a state visit in the summer and that she will be expected to spend time with him at dinner functions etcetera, she has foregone her morning horse rides and goes straight to the drinks cabinet and the Jack Daniels instead.

“She drinks it neat with no ice and it’s not unusual for her to be totally wasted and all over the shop by lunchtime.

“She also often becomes argumentative and even violent when she’s had a few. Yesterday afternoon, she started having a go at Prince Charles when he tried to tell her that the drink was bad for her health. She called him a “big-eared bastard” and referred to Camilla as “an old spunker”. She then tried to headbutt him but missed and fell over on her face.

“The other members of the royal family have suffered too. She was walking around the palace corridors swigging straight from the bottle the other day when she saw Prince Edward coming towards her.

“She pushed her face right into his and called him a “fucking poofta”. She then put her arm round him and told him that he was her best mate and offered him a pull from her bottle.

“Everybody’s really worried about her and we’ve all tried to help, but once she’s had a good skinful there’s no reasoning with her.

“Hopefully, once Trump’s gone back to America, she’ll seek help and go into The Priory or somewhere like that to wean herself off the grog”

We managed to get a response from President Trump last night, who told us in a brief telephone call. “This is fake news. So fake. The Queen is totally looking forward to my visit. She is looking foward to it bigly and so am I, believe me”

We sent a reporter to the palace for a reaction from The Queen last night, but he was told that she was indisposed.

However, as he passed an open upstairs window, he did hear a woman singing “Knees Up Mother Brown” in a posh accent followed by the sound of repeated vomiting.

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