jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Convince your neighbours that your wife has been on a short break to the lively Spanish resort of Magaluf by rubbing gearbox oil into her face and blacking both her eyes.

For added authenticity, clean out her bank account and give her a sexually transmitted disease.

The Right Reverend Dave Runcie

Arsebishop Of Camdenbury



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.

Initially, people seem very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.

Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful. Then, as soon as I gave them my details, they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons.

It has now got to the point where I no longer wish to remain here and have already made arrangements to return to Beijing.

Yours faithfully

Yu Fat Fuk



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m ex-Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, by hurtling round The Nurburgring at breakneck speed in a variety of muscle cars while being filmed by the Netflix

For added authenticity, I have befriended an irritating, moon-faced, grinning dwarf and a bumbling halfwit with a sex offender’s demeanour and a laughable haircut.

Piers Morgan

Skid Row.


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I have managed to convince my family and friends that I’m  the desperately irritating and insufferable, morning TV host, Piers Morgan, by behaving like an oily, unctuous, condescending, public school fuck.

For added authenticity, I have given myself the sack and then had a TV crew film me walking around Times Square in New York as if I’m not in the least bit bothered.

Jeremy Clarkson



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

A couple of oil-soaked, scouring pads, fastened together with a piece of elastic, make an excellent and comforting in-flight sleep mask for a baby robot.

Toby Perineum-Rash