According to a recent report, airline passengers who leap to their feet and make a frenzied lunge for the overhead lockers the very instant that the plane has landed and the ‘fasten seatbelt’ light has gone out, are delusional fuckwits and the absolute scum of the earth.

The report, made under the direction of The Civil Aviation Authority, also surmises that these are the same people who race to the supermarket as soon as there’s a severe weather warning and begin clearing the shelves of all the bread, milk, bottled water, and canned goods, without giving a tinker’s cuss that the elderly or people with mobility issues will have to go without as a result of their fanatical greed.

The report goes on to state that they are also 95% more likely to race to the exit door of a train a good two minutes before it reaches the station and then hurl themselves through the opening as soon as the door is wide enough for them to fit through before barging people out of the way as they approach the ticket barrier.

The report concludes by stating that people who behave in this manner are delusional fuckwits and the scum of the earth and that they never get through passport control or baggage reclaim any quicker than other, more measured and sensible passengers, and that they are 99% more likely to send a sneering, condemnatory report to Trip Advisor minutes after arriving home, citing various annoyances, such as: surly hotel staff who can only ‘speak foreign’, a noisy microwave, ‘scratchy’ bed linen, excessively hot weather, and a preponderance of foreigners at their chosen resort.