stacy slaughterhouse

Hi guys and welcome to my ethically sound world of humane cuisine.

With Spring well and truly under way and with those long barbeque Summer days just around the corner, I’m going to look at ways of preparing a delicious roadkill feast that all your family and friends will enjoy on those long, balmy Summer evenings.

We’re very fortunate here in Whitechapel in that we have Richmond Park, with its herds of deer just a short drive away so I like to get in my 4×4 and plough into one or two for the table whenever the fancy takes me.

After locating a nice plump youngster – preferably one that’s still a little gangly and unsteady – I like to dazzle it momentarily in my headlights before driving into it full pelt, taking care not to run it over but to toss it into the air so that it falls stunned or lifeless a few yards away.

Then, it’s just a simple matter of finishing it off with a few powerful blows to the head with a pickaxe handle and lashing the bleeding carcass to the roof rack before taking it back in triumph to the family.

To prepare the meat, I hack into it lustily with a cleaver or heavy butcher’s knife, and if you’re like me, you may enjoy a cheeky nibble on some of the entrails while you prepare the sauce.

For this, I smash a squirrel’s head in with a blunt instrument and allow the blood and brain juice to drip over the freshly butchered meat.

For an added zing, I like to crush one the kids’ pet hamsters in the jaws of a pipe wrench and scatter its guts over the top as a garnish.

Some people may then wish to cook the meat on a barbeque, but with my lot it’s raw or nothing and we chow down on the bleeding flesh until the gore runs down our faces.


NEXT WEEK: Tracy prepares a wonderful, Mutilated Gibbon Au Gratin, using a stolen monkey from London Zoo.