bob colon

Dear Bob

I’m an extremely well-known entertainer and game show host, with a career in TV light entertainment stretching back more than 40 years. During that time I’ve built up a reputation as one of the showbiz world’s “good guys”, but I’m terrified that my popularity will be completely destroyed overnight if my tawdry, secret life comes into the public domain.

You’ve probably heard this one a thousand times before from various other confidantes Bob, but I’ve always been interested in human bodily functions, particularly when coupled with marine exploration.

I think my predilection for this type of thing may have started when I was a child. I used to watch The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau on Sunday evenings after one of my mother’s huge Sunday dinners, and would invariably find myself in need of a bowel movement during the episode.

However, I was always loathe to wait until the adverts came on to relieve myself, particularly if it was about sharks or something exciting like that.

I, therefore, used to regularly soil myself and have a bit of a clean-up after the music came on at the end. It was so pleasurable, and at the time,  seemed like the most natural thing in the world

My interest in this area now manifests itself a little differently as I shall now explain:

Around 3 or 4 times a week, I wait until my wife is engrossed in a TV programme and then put on a deep sea diver’s suit.

I then go out to the septic tank in the grounds of my house, and by means of a hand-operated stirrup pump, fill the suit with raw sewage before rolling around on the lawn until I reach a climax.

My wife is fully aware of my needs and has been very supportive. She even sluices me down with the garden hose following an episode, and always ensures that the viewing glass in my helmet is clean and free from faecal residue.

My fear is, that in these days of the scandal-hungry paparazzi, I may one day fall victim to a long lens and find my career and reputation destroyed overnight.

Please help me if you can Bob, as the strain is starting to take its toll and I have even begun to harbour dark thoughts about taking my own life.

Name Withheld

Whitechapel

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Bob Says: As a human waste consultant of over 30 years standing, I have come across this problem countless times, and my answer is always the same on this one.

Pre-empt the press boys by selling your story to one of the tabloids. This way, you’ll get a hefty payout which will cushion the blow of having your name splashed across the front pages .

It worked for Sir Cliff Richard and it can work for you too.

All the very best for the future

Bob

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