An East London man has spoken of how he began to harbour dark and murderous thoughts towards the driver of the car in front of him during a 2-hour long traffic jam on the A12.
Toby Dell, a 32-year-old office manager from Whitechapel, revealed: “As soon as I hit heavy traffic and pulled up behind this blue Toyota Corolla I began to feel mild stirrings of dislike for the driver.
“At first, I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman, but after about 10 minutes the driver turned to pick up something from the passenger seat and I could see that it was a man by his profile.
“At the time, I thought he was probably picking up his phone so he could send a text, like the lawless, crooked bastard that he is.
“I noticed also that he had big ears and laughed to myself, delighting in the knowledge that no woman in her right mind would sleep with him and that he’d almost certainly die a pathetic virgin, hopefully from something excruciatingly painful.
“After crawling along behind this wretched excuse for a human being for another hour and a half I started to fantasise about killing him with a machete before hacking at his lifeless corpse and scattering his worthless body parts all over the road.
“Then, after 2 hours of harbouring deliciously murderous thoughts towards this stinking piece of worthless trash, the temporary traffic lights 4 miles down the road were removed and we began to move at a fairly steady lick.
“Almost immediately, I realised that he wasn’t such a bad bloke after all and that I’d probably enjoy having a pint or two and a friendly game of darts with him down the pub. I even began to feel a bit sorry for the fact that his ears made him look like a taxi with the doors open”