john bull
No spadge please, we’re British!

 

According to a Home Office report, Saturday the 23rd of April was the first day that the entire population of Great Britain had spent without a single case of masturbation being recorded.

The closest the nation ever came to achieving the feat was in 1962 during The Cuban Missile Crisis when people were too worried about the possible outbreak of a third world war to pleasure themselves.

A Home Office spokesman told reporters at a press briefing last night. “We can quite categorically state that according to a government survey conducted during the 24 hour period from midnight on the 23rd until 00.01 on the 24th there was not one single case of masturbation recorded. Not even amongst teenage boys and UKIP supporters.

“At present, we are unsure as to why this was the case, but we are looking into the possibility that repeated television appearances by Jeremy Corbyn and Diane Abbott following the general election announcement may have dampened people’s sexual desire and consequently nullified their need to masturbate to completion”

Last night, Corbyn hit back at the claims in a strongly worded statement: “I emphatically deny that either myself or my female comrade were in any way to blame for the masturbation drought on Saturday.

“In my view, it’s far more likely to have been the result of Theresa May’s televised visit to a factory earlier in the day.

“I mean to say, just look at the state of her. I wouldn’t even touch her with Iain Duncan Smith’s, to be honest with you”

Corbyn then went on to outline plans to introduce 4 extra public holidays, devoted to self-abuse if Labour wins the election on June 8th.

“They will be known as Wank Holidays and will be a celebration of this great nation’s favourite pastime,” he said. “What’s more, free tissues and discounted grumble mags will be available to any families earning less than the national average and also to people on benefits.”

It is anticipated that there will be a further dip in onanism throughout the country today when Michael Gove goes on a televised visit to Reading.

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