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Prime Minister, Theresa May, last night announced that the terror alert in London has now been raised from, “Critical”, which means that a terrorist attack may be imminent, to, “Shitting Hot Conkers”, which means that Londoners shouldn’t bother starting to watch any serials on television or purchase any long-playing records.

Mrs May told The House of Commons in an emergency session last night: “People living in London are pretty much doomed in all honesty. There’s not a lot we can do about it other than to raise the alert another level and keep our fingers crossed for the poor sods”

This move puts Londoners under the highest terror setting since the infamous, “We’re Absolutely, F******g Bricking It!” alert that was issued during The Blitz in 1940.

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