A group of cowed and visibly shaken Londoners pictured last night after the attack


Following last night’s terror attack in the London Bridge area, London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan, has told an emergency press conference, that in the hour following the attack the utterances of the exclamation “Gawd blimey” reached unprecedented levels.

Mayor Khan told newsmen: “It is now estimated that there were close to 5 million Gawd blimeys shortly after the attack.

“I urge my fellow Londoners to keep their Gawd blimeys to a minimum in the event of further attacks as we don’t want these terrorist johnnies to think we’re rattled.

“I would suggest that a single “Stroll on!” or a slightly surprised, “Strike a light!” would more than suffice in future.”

Unconfirmed reports are coming in to The Whelk, that in Whitechapel, exclamations of: “Fuck ’em”, and requests to: “Stick the bloody kettle on Treacle, I’ve got a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage ‘ere!” reached record levels shortly after news reports began coming in, while in upmarket Belgravia, utterances of, “I say darling! What a frightfully bad show” also reached a new recorded high in the two hours after the attack took place.

The Whitechapel Whelk’s editorial message to the clowns who perpetrated this latest nonsense: “Off you jolly well fuck, there’s good chaps” 🙂