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The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero street in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

Mincing – I say Homophobe, a young woman has sent us a communication indicating that she is in great distress and in need of our help.

She lives with her overbearing employer in a large house in Surrey, where she is a virtual prisoner, allowed only to leave the house for a solitary bicycle ride each morning.

It is during these brief sojourns that she has observed a fellow cyclist, a man dressed in black who follows her at a distance and then disappears as she arrives back at her place of residence.

The poor creature is in great distress Homophobe. Let us therefore not tarry old friend for I fear great harm may befall her.

Let us make for St Pancras and the first train south without delay!

Homophobe – You unspeakable, depraved wretch, Mincing! Do you not think that I can’t see through your vile gossamer-thin scheme sirrah?

It is quite clear to me that you and this sexually insane female creature are involved in a lascivious plot to slake your foul homosexual and lesbian lusts by ravishing me relentlessly and without pity.

It is my surmise, that upon our arrival, you will render me unconscious wth a blow from a life-preserver.

Then, both you and this abomination of womanhood will fall upon my helpless body, invading my most secret places with both tumescent penis and strap-on appendage alike, leaving my most tender orifices awash with your foul jism and secretions.

Now get out before I call a Bow Street Runner and have you arrested and transported to The New World!

Mincing – ????????????

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