The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a 42-year-old local woman accidentally climbed into a rowing boat and rowed 30 miles down river while she was preoccupied by lurid thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy.
Tracy Dell, a shop assistant from Commercial Road, told The Whelk: “I was walking along Lower Thames Street when I suddenly started thinking about how fit Tom Hardy is.
“The next thing I knew I was being towed to the shore at Canvey Island by the river police.
“I can only assume that I was so intent on thinking about Tom Hardy that I climbed into a boat at Tower Bridge and rowed 30 miles down river.
“It was worth it though as I managed to think of him taking his shirt off and slowly removing his belt as I rowed past Gravesend”
Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby, 53, told The Whelk: “She’s always doing this. Last week I had to go and fetch her from the Isle of Wight after she’d swum across The Solent thinking about Mr Darcy out of Pride and Prejudice emerging from a lake with his nob dangling out of his trousers”
In other news, a 25-year-old man from Shoreditch fell down a manhole while looking at pictures of the attractive blonde Irish political leader, Michelle O’Neil, on his phone.