The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a 42-year-old local woman accidentally climbed into a rowing boat and rowed 30 miles down river while she was preoccupied by lurid thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy.
Tracy Dell, a shop assistant from Commercial Road, told The Whelk: “I was walking along Lower Thames Street when I suddenly started thinking about how fit Tom Hardy is.
“The next thing I knew I was being towed to the shore at Canvey Island by the river police.
“I can only assume that I was so intent on thinking about Tom Hardy that I climbed into a boat at Tower Bridge and rowed 30 miles down river.
“It was worth it though as I managed to think of him taking his shirt off and slowly removing his belt as I rowed past Gravesend”
Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby, 53, told The Whelk: “She’s always doing this. Last week I had to go and fetch her from the Isle of Wight after she’d swum across The Solent thinking about Mr Darcy out of Pride and Prejudice emerging from a lake with his nob dangling out of his trousers”
In other news, a 25-year-old man from Shoreditch fell down a manhole while looking at pictures of the attractive blonde Irish political leader, Michelle O’Neil, on his phone.
June 12, 2017 at 7:01 am
Well, we’ve all done it.
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June 12, 2017 at 7:04 am
Aye. They really should be more diligent with covering these manholes you know. I blame the immigrants 😦
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June 12, 2017 at 7:04 am
And Brexit. It’s definitely Brexit’s fault 🙂
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June 12, 2017 at 7:07 am
What is this ‘Brexit’ of which you speak? Some kind of wheat and grain-based cereal, beloved of folk who languish outsidethe M25? Speak woman, for time is of the very essence!!!!…ish.
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June 12, 2017 at 8:12 am
Oh, it’s nothing important. It’s like a sort of STD that gets the blame for any minor discomfort at all. Like a kind of political gonnorhea 😉
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June 12, 2017 at 8:38 am
Our political editor’s wife went down with gonnorhea a couple of months back, as did their postman.
She told him she must have caught it by coming into contact with his sack.
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June 12, 2017 at 8:49 am
Postmen are riddled with it, I understand.
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June 12, 2017 at 9:14 am
I walked off a cliff while reading Tess of the d’Urbervilles yesterday. Do you want to interview me? (Without a shirt costs a penny extra).
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June 12, 2017 at 11:32 am
I see what you did there, VC. An allusion to the OTHER Tom Hardy. Well played sir 😀
Having said that, please keep your shirt on at all times mate 😉
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June 12, 2017 at 12:27 pm
Sound advice, duly heeded.
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June 12, 2017 at 12:04 pm
I once drank someone else’s pint whilst thinking about Laurel and Hardy. I’ll get my coat.
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June 12, 2017 at 4:27 pm
Great. I’ll call the taxi *whistles piercingly*
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June 13, 2017 at 12:13 pm
Well, that’s just wonderful – now my dog has run off! *Hands on hips*
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June 13, 2017 at 12:43 pm
Look on the bright side. You’ll save a packet on Spratt’s Bonios.
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June 12, 2017 at 1:01 pm
Noah was thinking about Sophia Loren. Always felt she was more splendid than that trouble making Helen of Troy in my opinion.
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June 12, 2017 at 4:28 pm
Ha! Yep, she was a great beauty alright, albeit a trifle thin for my taste 😀
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June 12, 2017 at 3:26 pm
Oh, dear! Another post about Tom Hardy! I will not get any work done today. Off to take cold shower!
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June 12, 2017 at 4:25 pm
Women eh? You’re like common, rutting, beasts of the field, the lot of yers! 😀
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June 12, 2017 at 4:22 pm
Last Sunday I cooked a full roast dinner while thinking about Gino D’Campo…clearly that’s got to stop. Can’t have the family thinking they just need to lob names of dishy chefs in my direction and I’ll trot meekly into the kitchen!!
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June 12, 2017 at 4:25 pm
Never ‘eard of ‘im. However, with a name like that I’m not sure whether you’d be of much interest to the boy to be fair 😀
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