A 32-year-old Whitechapel man who suffers from the genetic condition of dwarfism has told The Whelk how he has found love with a sexually insane woman of normal height after hooking up with her on a website which caters for people with deep-seated and wholly unacceptable sexual perversions.
Tobias Dell, a furniture porter, who stands just 3′ 4″ tall, told us: “I’d pretty much given up all hope of finding a loving partner who would be willing to share my life with me.
“I’d tried all the usual routes to romance; tea dances, going to bars, lonely hearts clubs and so on. I even tried speed-dating once but I couldn’t see over the edge of the table.
“Then, more out of desperation than anything, I joined SickosUnchained.com, an online dating agency catering for people with depraved sexual urges.
“I’d only been a member for 10 minutes when this lady contacted me. She told me that she has a thing for small men and that I was right up her alley.
“Now, I visit her flat above a fruit and vegetable shop in Whitechapel Road every Tuesday afternoon where we have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex.
“She never fails to tell me how much she loves me afterwards and sometimes even gives me a 5 percent discount if I manage to get it over with fairly quickly.”
Disclaimer: The Whitechapel Whelk wishes to make it abundantly clear that we do not endorse prostitution or stunted growth in any way, shape, or form. As far as we’re concerned both of those things are a big no-no in our book.
June 13, 2017 at 6:53 am
Yep, that’s just about the long and short of it, my lovely š
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June 13, 2017 at 6:54 am
I am signing up to this website immediately.
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June 13, 2017 at 6:57 am
Have a word with Touch. As a Gold Member she may be able to wangle you a discount. *taps side of nose in conspiratorial fashion*
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June 13, 2017 at 7:04 am
Very kind, I’m sure, I shall be sure to do that!
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June 13, 2017 at 7:48 am
‘Right up her alley.’- more like right up her belly. Cut me a slice uh dat.
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June 13, 2017 at 2:09 pm
After finding this lady, he might have gotten a little taller.
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June 13, 2017 at 4:25 pm
He’ll certainly have gotten a little poorer, that’s as sure as shootin’ š
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June 13, 2017 at 4:29 pm
So nice that the little man found some love. It’s Tuesday, need to tidy the house. š
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June 13, 2017 at 4:56 pm
A friend of mine, who has a pet crocodile, was in the pub with it the other day and the barman asked him if it would like a pygmy as a snack.
“No thanks” said my mate “He can turn nasty after he’s been on the shorts.”
I’m here all week ladies and gents. Try the scallops.
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June 13, 2017 at 4:40 pm
Hilarious! More fun than tossing midgets! Toss me next!
^^ Iggy
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June 13, 2017 at 4:59 pm
There’ll be no talk of tossing on this blog young man. Go to your room…and don’t go thinking you’ll be watching the Jeff Sessions grilling either! š¦
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June 13, 2017 at 5:19 pm
LOL! Mitch McConnell has changed the Senate rules so that reporters can no longer stop senators in the hallways for interview questions… he doesn’t want anyone asking questions about the SECRET health-care bill which Cuts billionaire taxes by 800 billion dollars and kills 25 million Americans… ahhhh fascism
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June 14, 2017 at 4:20 am
Love it!
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June 14, 2017 at 7:29 am
Thank you kindly. I hope your search for an anchor proves to be a fruitful one.
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